Well this month has just flown by.
I anticipated being consumed by life from Thanksgiving on. But, I did not anticipate not having a free
moment to put my thoughts on paper.
There have been many ups and many downs over the last thirty or so
days. The fear and unrest over the
Ferguson shooting has come and gone…at least as far as my household is
concerned. Thanksgiving was nice and I
mean that with the entire lameness of that word. I got up early, did the 5K, baked cinnamon
rolls, watched the parade and went to my parents. There we ate and left and the kids spent the
rest of the weekend with their dad.
Speaking of their dad. He
got engaged. The weeks following the
engagement (which happened on a beach in Florida from my understanding) were
some dark days for me. Although I’m
entirely grateful to not be married to him anymore, I couldn’t help but let the
negative self-talk take over my life for a while. On the outside, it looks like he has created the life I wanted when we were together. From the outside, it looks like he has got it
all together and I’m still struggling to put my life back together. On the outside, it looks like he is living
the dream. But that’s all on the
outside. I teeter back and forth between
feeling bad for the soon to be new wife and relieved that the kids have some
sense of normalcy through her. Although,
I do question her sanity considering all of the facts. But, I was once that girl, too. The one that hung on his every word, believed
every promise and dreamed of the life we would create together. Unfortunately for me and for her, all of it
is a lie. My world came crashing down
around me the day I realized I had been deceived.; lied to for years upon years. The truth still comes out in strange places
and is always a reminder of exactly why I’m in a better place now. It is frustrating that to the outside world
he appears to be a great man when the reality is that he is devoid of the most
basic human quality…love. I’ve been
asked several times over the past few years if I miss the feeling of being
loved. The truth is, I’ve never known
that feeling from a man. I know what
love feels like because of my children and my family. That feeling is amazing and not something I
ever had in my marriage. My answer is
always the same, I can’t miss something I never had. It’s hard not to get down, especially at this
time of year. I try to find peace in
knowing that every day I become a better person through my choices. And no matter what my life or his life might
look like to the outside world, I know I am living in an honest, God-like
way.
The last few weeks have been non-stop for me at work. With the year end in sight, there was much
work to be done. I wrote, designed and
printed an employee handbook for time entry.
It’s a magnificent piece that will not receive it’s justified accolades
so I’m going to toot my own horn instead.
No one will really understand how much blood, sweat and tears went into
creating this. But I loved every minute of it.
No one will probably understand that either.
Grace came out of her first high school exam week seemingly scar
less. She kept screaming at us that SHE
WAS NOT STRESSED ABOUT EXAMS!!!!!! But clearly she was stressed about
exams. Grace has never been a great test
taker and although I feel like she prepared pretty well for this set of exams,
her scores were much lower than we both anticipated. Final grades aren’t out yet, but it looks
like she will end her first semester with roughly a 3.2 GPA. I was really hoping she’d pull off a 3.5, but
I’m really proud of her effort and commitment to school. Her transformation over the last few months
has been astonishing. She is a fantastic
young lady and continues to make good choices as she is faced with new
situations.
Eva’s disposition has perked up in the last few weeks. The counseling sessions seem to be helpful
and she doesn’t appear to be as wrought with anxiety as she was last
month. We talked a bit last night and
decided to continue with the counseling in the new year.
Alex is back to playing basketball and being a 10 year old
boy. A few months back, we discussed the
truth of Santa Claus and Alex has been really good with the transition into the
Christmas holiday. Although he wants me
to tell him everything I have bought, I’m holding out to maintain the magic of
the day.
For the first year, Layla seems to have a sense of what Santa
Claus is. I’m looking forward to
Christmas morning and some extended time off with my babies.
As the year draws to a close, I have some goals in mind for the
new year. It’s a great time for me to
reflect on how far we’ve come this year and take the steps to make the next
year even better. And since it’s
doubtful that I will be back here before the year ends, I want to end today’s
ramblings with a great big Merry Christmas and Thank You! May God continue to guide me, comfort me and
counsel me on this journey.
