Anxiety and Love

Eva is smart, works hard and is very determined.  She also has a heart of gold and is my most sensitive child.  Out of all the kids, she is having the hardest time with the new custody schedule.  Like me, she craves structure and routine.  She gets very anxious when things are out of whack.  Although, she is becoming familiar with the new schedule, in my gut I know there is something bothering her.  I’ve given her lots of opportunities to tell me about what might be going on, but I really believe she can’t.  At eight years old, she can’t put into words what is causing her so much stress and anxiety.  There isn’t one outright “thing” that is going on at her dad’s house that she can pin point as the cause of her stress.  But, she is stressed!

Every time she comes home from her dad’s house, she is complaining of a stomach ache.  She cries and says it hurts, but there are no other symptoms.  Recently, she has also been complaining that it is hard to breathe.  It doesn’t hurt in her lungs nor is there any burning type of sensation.  She just says that she feels like she can’t get enough air.

By the second day they are back with me, she no longer has these symptoms.  I’ve done some research, and the only thing I can attribute it to is anxiety.

On their dad’s weekends, I pick up the kids on Sunday morning for Mass.  Through the service, both Alex and Eva lay on me.  I try to get them to sit up, and most times they do.  But they insist on having their heads on my shoulder or my arm wrapped around them or some other form of “cuddling.”  They are emotionally exhausted.  I know this feeling.  I lived it for thirteen years.  It is exhausting to try to keep up with the emotional/mental games of their father.  Alex informed me that Vanessa (their dad’s girlfriend) is now videotaping them whenever they do something that to her seems wrong.  This really bothers me, but I have no control over it either.  These kids have already been through so much and are just trying to cope in the three ring circus of the life their dad lives.  Now, they have to worry about being videotaped if they aren’t acting up to her standards.  Alex told me about this because he was being videotaped just that morning.  He couldn’t find a pair of jeans to wear to Mass and had asked for Grace to ask me to bring him a pair.  How was this bad behavior?!?

But, I’m getting off track here.

So, Eva is struggling.  But she doesn’t know how to explain or reason with why she feels the way she does.  Like I mentioned before, she is smart and caring and has a heart of gold.  Progress reports were sent out this weekend.  Here is what her teacher had to say about her:

 

He is exactly right in his assessment.  She does worry that her best may not be good enough.  I know this because I am very much this way.  I try to show her extra support and encouragement, but I also worry that my best parenting may not be good enough…especially to combat the lack of parenting in their father.

Our tradition on Sunday evenings is something we have all come to need as much as want.  We eat dinner, take showers, get into our comfy clothes and snuggle on the couch for a movie or T.V. show.  I know that the kids are craving affection especially after they come home from their dads.  They all want to be held and cuddled.  Eva will tell me countless times throughout the night that she loves me.  Although it is sweet, I can’t help but assume this is not the type of relationship they have with their dad.  Do they ever tell him “I love you” without being prompted?  Do they ever cuddle up and feel secure?  Is there any substance to their relationship?

I would bet the farm that the answer to this is no. 

I am so proud of each of my children.  My heart overflows with love for them.  Sometimes I look at them and cry…because God entrusted them to me and I love them so much.

So, whatever it is that Eva is dealing with…no matter if we are able to solve it or not…it is my pleasure to provide a stable, loving environment for her at all times.